And so here I go again on my own. The downstairs is decorated in what I feel is a festive manner. Thanks to my best friends' help carrying and drilling the shit out of its trunk I have a tree now adorned with pretty things and lights that makes me happy.
I attempted to shop starting yesterday and overspent on the first gifts I got, then got screwed by a bank error so not in my favor, so had to screw others over on the gifting. I have decided to make myself alfredo from scratch for dinner and am worried it will not turn out which may result in me eating spaghettios for dinner. I also am so wildly unmotivated to begin to cook that I am worried I will be eating spaghettios cold straight from the can for dinner. What the hell happened to me? This is so not me! I bumped my head last week--did I give myself amnesia from festivating?
As I combed many stores today and yesterday trying to find good thoughtful awesome gifts at reasonable prices, it occurred to me that there are quite a lot of things I would like to have and cannot afford to purchase. There are also many things I wish others to have through my intercession and this also I cannot afford. I am tired of being poor. I would like to be rich. Not for material gains so much as just less worry, less ridiculousness going on at every turn.
Once I spent Christmas in a dingy motel somewhere in Texas where it was freezing and my boyfriend, my sole companion, was in a foul mood all eve and day and night. It didn't feel like Christmas at all, like it just never happened that year, because there were no family, friends, church, stockings, presents, Santa, dinner. It was interesting to experience.
Once was enough to experience the Christmas that wasn't, I have always felt. Fool me once....yeah yeah. Happy hols.
Never saw a tree create so much sawdust. Next year will be easy...Charlie Brown tree in the house!
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