Quite a few years back, there was this crazy sensation called "The Rules" which was based on a book penned by two lollipop heads who assumed that all other women wanted in life was to marry rich. It was touted that Carolyn Bessette followed the basic tenets of these restrictions in order to land JFK Jr.--not returning his calls, being unavailable more than available, becoming the Bergdorfiest of the Bergdorf blondes. The book so far as I recall offered no advice on what to do once you had your white wedding, or how to be "unavailable" after the fact to paparazzo, or how to refuse when your hobbling hubby insisted on flying you and yours around in his Cessna sans flight plan. Things worked out pretty bad for Carolyn in the end, just like they did in Camelot. I don't think there has been a where-are-they-now special about the other case studies, those ladies who fervently followed the rules and found their prince only to find out he actually was a frog of the toadiest proportions.
"The Rules" have fallen out of favor by 2010, and with good reason. Bridget Jones helped, as did the Ya-Ya Sisterhood--disguised as chick-lit, these books let a woman know that it was okay to want to be coupled but to fail at every turn toward matrimony simply by being herself. That good friends and a bottle of wine sometimes were better than fourth-finger, left-hand committment. That being a thoroughly modern Millie meant belonging to an ancient tribe of goddesses who didn't need men to fulfill her--but who definitely wanted gents around whenever the mood struck. But never to the exclusion of her own sex.
I would like to pen a book for women that assumes that women want less to land a man than to win and keep a top place within the sisterhood. If half of all marriages end in divorce, what are the stats on break-ups between two gal pals? And how can we prevent the ladies who love to lunch together from throwing tables at each other and telling tales out of school to irreparable damage? The fairer sex have enough problems to contend with than to create drama within their own ranks, and yet we do it all the time. In my innocence I imagine this has everything to do with never being taught the real rules, the ones that those lucky enough to be born with a vagina ought to have been schooled in since birth. So, let me impart some laws to live by for the ladies, in no particular order.
RULE #1. Distrust the chick who boasts that she gets along better with men than women. This femme fatale has zero understanding of herself and even less for you, her lady-in-waiting. One gravitates toward certain people in life, and their sex has little or nothing to do with it. Being the cool girl that all the dudes like and all the girls allegedly despise makes you public enemy number one to the sisterhood. It's 2010 for crissake, we live in a world populated by gay marriage and drag queens and Brandi Chastain. Tomboys don't have to grow up to be bull dykes or transform into swans in high school. You can join a hen party knitting circle on Sundays and spend Fridays drinking ballers under the table. You needn't eschew the company of women because you just get along better with boys, whther it is because you think you are drama-free, or grew up in a house full of brothers, or don't wear makeup. You can actually make nice with members of both sexes and be quite happy and fulfilled. Stick with just the one and you run the risk of waking up one day in need of tea and sympathy and finding only dirty socks and empty pizza boxes--or the other way around. It's no way to live. Enjoy your girlfriends, and their quirks. Trust them with your secrets and listen in turn to theirs.
RULE #2. Boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever. Oddly enough it seems there are actually women out there who never heard this old axiom, or who like to pretend they haven't. We all hope we'll settle down with our best friend, and if we are straight females we suppose this will be a human of the male persuasion. But whoever this buddy-boy ends up being, he will never take the place of your best gal pal. So here's a little bit of sisterly advice. Do not engage in relations of any sort with someone your friend has been involved with. Ever. No ifs, and, or buts; no refunds; no change of heart. Unless she rents an airplane and skywrites for all the world to see that she is a-ok with you shagging her ex, she isn't. And she is way more important to you in the long run than he will ever be. Because it isn't just her friendship you will be ruining--it is any friendships you have going forward that will be dead in the water before you leave the harbor on the Sloop Jane B. Even with express permission to rekindle her old flame with your own matches, be careful. It tends to be in poor taste, if nothing else. I would suggest if you do gain her blessing have it signed, sealed and delivered in menstrual blood. It is a big world out there, surely you can find someone to bed who hasn't previously been inside your girl. Even the casual hookup can have its ramifications here. It is far easier than to turn off your siren song when in the vicinity of her ex-whatever than to deal with the record screeching to a halt when the two of you enter the room in defiance of this very important rule. Class goes a long way in the sisterhood.
RULE #3. Should you choose to break RULE #2, accept the consequences; meaning, get out of Dodge. Not on a mini-break, but on a permamenent relocation. Once you have chosen a guy over your girl, you live there now. You no longer should show your face in her town. Go live your life and be as happy as presumably you set out to be when betraying your friend, just do it far far away from her and hers. This is the price you pay for laughably following your heart. Don't expect forgiveness and don't expect forgiveness to mean you may remain in the fold. You wanted to lay down with lions, you no longer can be trusted with the lambs. Hurting someone may be inevitable in life, humilating them is a choice. Don't make that choice to a sister.
RULE #4. Put as much time into maintaining your female friendships as you do your family's. Just like sometimes you can't have a headache in bed for the fourth time that week, you can't ignore a request to hang out and listen to a friend's whining over a lost boy, a lost job, a lost opportunity. And take the time to express your own fears and gossip and happiness. We put so much emphasis on couples. There are scores of self-help books dealing with relationships--how to find lasting ones, and how to maintain them, and how to keep love alive, and how to stay united with our significant others in the face of everything that comes down the pike. But unless we look to fiction, there are few tomes on keeping your friendships not just intact but in full bloom. Heads up, it takes work girls, just as much work if not more than running your household or parenting your kids or making sure you have date nights with your menfolk. You don't presumably, especially after a certain age, share a home with your girlfriends. You aren't responsible for each other's well-being or bank accounts. You do not have the recognition of church and state that binds you together in the eyes of the world. You do, however, have a bond that goes way back to primordial waters and deserves to be cherished 'til death do you part. Stay in touch. Have fun. Make the effort. Take the call. And do not assume that just because you know you have done nothing active to hurt your friendship, that it can't be hurt just as much by passivity. Be actually there for your girls, not just in passing thought but in waking deed. You know how every time you have a night out with a pal, or all the girls, everyone exclaims "it has been too long!" and "this was so much fun!" and "let's not wait so long until we do it again!" and then, you don't see hide nor hair of each other for a long stretch afterwards? Don't wait. Do hang.
RULE #5. Learn when to tell her she looks fat and when not to. For example, that dress she wants to wear to a big event that will have 200+ people staring at her rolls? She needs to know it is empire-waist time. That bikini she somehow pulls off even though she looks nothing like Gisele? She needs to know she is woman enough to wear it proud. Because you are proud of her. This is actually a very important rule. Friends don't let friends look bad. Friends do think their posse is the best-looking one around. Friends know when to find that balance.
At my beautiful flesh-and-blood sister's wedding, I gave a toast that quoted the lines from "Sisters", our favorite "White Christmas" song. It was especially apt for me and my little bit, whom I have known and adored her whole life. It is also the soundtrack to these rules, for the sisters who share DNA as well as those who chose to pledge each other's sorority in childhood, in high school and college, in their 20s and their 30s and whenever the mood strikes. Those who see us know that not a thing can come between us.
'Cause with a little help from your friends, and these rules, the sisterhood simply rocks.
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