Another summer Saturday aches on, to be culminated with some more wedded bliss between two very awesome people. It is my second solo wedding appearance of 2010 and while I do not imagine it will have the same funny and fucked-up outcome of the last, it hopefully will be a fine time had by all.
I have come to wonder of late if I may ever have a wedding of my own, be it a quickie Vegas drive-thru chapel deal or somber city hall affair or a big white church event with all the trimmings. I took for granted all my life that I would walk down some sort of aisle at some point and say I do and embark upon a bicycle built for two for all the days of my life.
Of late it occurs to me that this may just not happen. Ever.
Not everyone gets married. And hell, I know more than most that happily ever after is hard to come by. I just never fully realized that it would be this damn hard. Relationships are tricky things. I have gone into them thoughtlessly, I have gone into them thoughtfully--but in the end it doesn't matter which door I use, because the mere fact that I am starting up a something with a someone defines a natural disaster waiting to happen.
Because the fault lines and mass destruction and rebuilding that follow the earthquakes that are break-ups change you infinitely. Your heart does go on but it's not the same heart. You suddenly have hairline cracks on the surface, and deep fissures beneath, and strata upon strata of mess to climb over when you meet someone new. And the more your being feels the tremors that may or may not send you sliding into the sea, the more you wonder is it even worth it to fight Mother Nature.
When my faux-marriage ended, I clawed for air against the inevitable in large part because I didn't want to not be me anymore. Didn't want to lose not so much the trappings of a comfily coupled existence but the deep-rooted layers of my whole being. I didn't want the shift in plates that would inevitably follow the cracking open of my little eath-self. I knew a change was gonna come and I was pissed off because I liked me just fine the way I was, and I just didn't want to have to deal with it all and become a different version of myself.
And in the end that is exactly what happened, of course. I was just....different. Some of my buildings had withstood the quake, some were destroyed beyond repair, some bigger and better and stronger ones were erected out of the smoldering ruins. And when the next one hit I knew, at least, how it would go down though I couldn't predict when. Compared to the big one the next registered smaller on the surface scale, but bigger in internal Richter. Because I knew from experience how tough it was to sift through the ashes and reconstruct myself out of the rubble.
So when I am faced with more matrimony that is so not mine, I reflect that maybe I should move away from myself, to this non-volcanic place where there are people willing to stand together before their gods and their families and their friends and commit to living in a land where there is less chance of seismic waves exploding beneath their feet. But you can't get there from here, and wherever you go there you are, so the aftershocks keep on reverberating through me no matter how far from the ring of fire I wander.
No comments:
Post a Comment